like my heart matters

Posted in singing my lamentations. on 11/25/2010 by statuewithouteyes

screaming I love you so!

It’s been days yet I cant still seem to get over it. If love were the question stupid as it may sound yes would be the answer. Yes I still love him and to be honest till now I am still lost inside his heart.

I wont say that I hate him – yeah actually ive deleted him off facebook but that doesn’t really mean I hate him I just had to do something to make him understand something and that part is he should learn to appreciate people while they are still there. Yeah probably I got tired of loving him in a sense that it was all me, despite the things I had to do despite all the priorities I had to keep track of I still tried my best to spare time for him, I was trying my best to be patient and not to complain aside from the fact that all that he had in mind was skateboarding – in a way I was looking for appreciation? If that’s the right word to call it, I was wanting to hear the words like : thanks for being there despite everything ive done and though I haven’t paid much attention and spared time for you, im always here, you cant tell me anything, whenever youre with me you can be just yourself no need to be at your best. You get my point/ it was those words I wanted to hear but I wasn’t able to hear those from him and that alone saddens me. He says we were always worth it but he didn’t make me feel that.

I know I did promise him id always be strong for him and id always be around but as frail as it may sound – im still a girl and I still seek for comfort I still need to hear words that will reassure me that no matter what happens hed always be there. He was my otherhalf – having him around me made me so human and I know he knows that, my dreams were built with him around him – around us. That’s why I guess after what happened to us that very minute we fell apart it totally broke me down and crushed my world. Im still lucky though because I still have family around and my friends around to tell me that what I did was right that I have to learn in a way to save love for myself that I should learn not to give it all. Guess I missed that part – what me and memong had was promising and it was sweet and it felt like forever we had plans and I was certain that those plans will come to life one day. When we met his eyes said it all and from then I knew I loved him before the night we met. He stopped smoking and for that I loved him even more, he made me feel that he was there even he know it was quite difficult at times and though he was aware that there were situations that caused him to get carried away by his feelings he tried to manage it and from then on I swore id love him everyday but regretfully we weren’t strong enough to withstand time and distance guess we still had lot of things to learn and to understand – grow up as what the elders would tell us. Yeah I wont deny the fact that im still open for the fact that he might come back if ever he does I hope hed be better or if he doesn’t come back anymore I hope he has learned a lot from us and hopefully hed love the next girl the way I did.

A lot of things remind me of him, I guess that’s how it truly goes when you love one person and you lose them. ive never cried this much for a person oh yeah except for my dad but I thought hed be the only one but he came along. It’s difficult to let him go but I must try –right? The ring is still with me – but I no longer wear it, to avoid people from asking and you must understand that explaining your self to others have been quite a difficult task compared to just merely shutting up. So that’s what im doing.

For the past few days ive been trying to get back to how I was before and I guess hes doing the same – living our very own lives separately. Ive been mingling with our people giving them time if that’s what you call it – yeah they’ve been asking if I wanted to give the friendship a step higher but im really like not now. So that’s that I continue to be friends with them and all but not totally the serious one – I mean yeah I may sound ride and all but im just hanging around for a while. The wounds are still fresh and bleeding who knows when it’ll stop but im hoping it’ll stop soon. My heart is black and I wont deny that idea so not unless someone else comes along who can turn this black heart to red that maybe I could reconsider.

There’s a guy and I wont deny I like him – he spices me up for some reasons. He goes by the name janrio we’ve been classmates once – but I never thought id feel that way, id feel this way it’s weird. He teases me for some reasons (good girl’s gone bad) I know I shouldn’t really fall for that but I kinda did a counter of all the teasing part. I know it’s crazy. But it felt good – being bad for awhile and releasing all the inhibitions I had made me relieved. But he has as girlfriend it’s me who should do the poisoning not him. I leave them thirsty that’s the whole point it shouldn’t be the other way around. But hes a very sweet guy – I envy him and his girl so much they look so good together so in love. Then I stop and think I used to be that way.

In silence I mourn for the loss- its useless to explain the grieves of the hear for no one would ever comprehend.

it’s over. chapter’s done.

Posted in what i wish he knew <3 on 11/18/2010 by statuewithouteyes

Ive done it. For some reasons ive removed him from my facebook list – I know its crazy but it was the only way I know to be able to forget him. By the time I get home id have to fix the things I have there, it hurts like hell. Im not sure if im able to handle it, but I have to right? Sooner or later I have to get over it. But its not easy memong I swear – my thoughts are all bombarded by everyone whos telling me what to do and what not to do. With this thing I did, it was my decision. I love you too much but its not enough to save us. That’s why I have to let go. I didn’t break my promise; the words I gave you are as true as life and are as genuine as reality. But I guess we were too weak to withstand everything, I always believed we were that strong but I guess there are some thing we just cant handle.

I still love you, but I guess I have to force myself to stop this dilemma it wont help. If ever youd get to read this – please do me a favor don’t regret or dwell on the past. It’s enough. I’ll try my best not to dwell on the past too

 

I’ll try to smile and laugh about things – do the same okay? Be happy. Its all I want you to be. Pursue and go back to school.

 

Even without me. I know you would always be a working progress. Prove them wrong.

 

You have what it takes.

 

Tears in my eyes. But il try to paint a smile on my face.

 

I love you. But we have to go.

Please take care.

what happened to us?

Posted in singing my lamentations. on 11/09/2010 by statuewithouteyes

11.09.10

2.37am

via MS.word

 

I just sent him a text message, but it was basically for the job thing – does that count? I mean like even if were this not okay it doesn’t necessarily I don’t  care, I still care I just have to show it in a way he least expects and as expected he didn’t return my message – could he be asleep? He didn’t go online tonight (which is odd) maybe he sure has been truly busy with his whole skating career.

 

I just went through the whole enrollment earlier and as expected – I have to take most of the subjects in short > full load. The moment memong finds about it hed be nagging but I guess I rather hear that then have him say nothing at all. We merely keep up with each other’s lives through facebook. The things he post on his wall im sure that at times it’s his way of communicating I know him and I know how he is – hes the type wherein he wants the whole idk – what I know is hes different that’s all. People have been seeing and have been asking that’s hes been totally submerged to his whole skateboard thing and theres nothing much that I can do but agree at times theyd throw little teases but I don’t  really mind, I just go ahead and ride with it my jokes are half meant. When I jokingly tell them I miss him – though they may take it as a joke but deep inside I mean it.

 

It’s almost Christmas, the twinkling lights at night are mere proof and I cant help but reminisce how things were last Christmas wherein we celebrated it together – man im missing him as I type these words in. it’s been a month or so but we haven’t said anything directly to each other. And I don’t know how much  more I can handle, ive been really trying to smile all I want but it still leads all back to him –  call this love huh>? I guess I have much within me. If by December if he still wont say anything to me im taking it a step higher and im raising the white flag. Ive been thinking that pride wont take any of us anywhere and wed just keep on avoiding and avoiding this fact and plus the fact every time I  try to avoid it – it hurts me twice as much.

 

Hate me and all but I miss you too. I miss you so much. Yet im afraid as frail as you are anger has blinded you for something that hasn’t to be given much attention. Im sorry for hurting you in any way when I clearly promised you that I wont – im sorry if I had to break down and all you weren’t ready for that but you must understand that I tend to be more of myself when I have you around – but that’s done. There isn’t a day that passes wherein I wished wed be okay. A I greet the day I still build my  dreams with you in it – I wish I could send you a text or two whenever something good happens to me, ohw how I wish I could call you when I cant talk to anyone  – how I wished I could have you ease me up when im not okay but how is this possible when were not even  talking. I admit that I cant let you go because I don’t know how.and in the same manner im not really sure if time can even be a good teacher. Blinded? Not really. But I guess you just have that factor that has caused me to be more human – more than I should be.

 

And I cant get over it.

Let’s be okay, im tired of pretending  – im tired of waking up and greeting the sun pretending things are okay and are in place knowing deep inside that theyre not. If you still care – please give it up and turn in.

 

Remembering how we were still paints a smile on my face, what about you? Seeing our old friends and as I they talk about those memories sends chills down my spine. How beautiful it would be if we could have those back. Despite the distance I never stopped loving you nor caring I just had to lay low – that was what you wanted – that’s how much I can handle you.

 

 

Missing you more each day I can’t turn to anyone – blasting out messages ease me up but these are not enough to calm me down. I fool around with other guys laugh and play jokes but im still wishing I was doing all those things with you.

 

 

The bond still binds me to you, forever still rings inside my head – your heart still keeps me from letting go.

 

 

still you.

Posted in what they don't hear. on 10/10/2010 by statuewithouteyes

the sun has set
but auroras seep in
and cause the glow
to burn from this heart.
as you live
throughout this darkness
exhaled by night
id gladly share the light with you
breathe in the glow
as if youve breathe in life the first time
take this hand
and trust me when i say im believing in forever
ive been away for for a while
now im back to make it right
id give you all the light you need,
oh heavens just give me another lifetime –
to have me live again:
to hear his heart beat once more.
id endure a little longer
i await for tomorrows sun rise
and if ever id lose all these lights
before daylight breaks –
not a tear shall fall
id wear a smile and say:
all was worth it.

feelings.

Posted in singing my lamentations. on 10/07/2010 by statuewithouteyes

i knew i loved you

even before the night we met.

and from then on our souls rode the wind

like they were one.

FOREVER turned to reality –

as we reach the verge of this pavement –

who lays down the last card?

will it be us or them?

im not her.

Posted in singing my lamentations. on 09/20/2010 by statuewithouteyes

im not her, and il never be her. they’re over yet she still loves him, he says shes just a part of his past.. Some past he cant seem to get over: the statements they make, i cant tell the difference for these statements so synonymous. can someone tell me im not making any sense then il stop all of this.

my lungs cry as i write these words – they weigh too much that none of these i can seem to verbalize.im tired of thinking what tomorrow may bring. everything just seems to shut down. someone knock me out – this dream once was so sweet has become bitter and is slowly turning to a nightmare.

open these eyes.

im holding it back to the very brim.

Posted in singing my lamentations. on 07/09/2010 by statuewithouteyes

hes been sick for the past couple of days, and to be honest it’s totally not easy to see him in this condition, but anyway what’s with this note im creating again – it’s been awhile since my so called ‘disease’ triggers me from the inside again. yeah i know ive always been like this and all but as time passes by it gets pretty difficult. if there was only some channel i was aware of to have these things flow out from me smoothly – id take my chances.

well so much for being the guardian huh?

but anyways i went to their place to pay him a visit – at least the thought of doing that will ease me up. so i was there. typically anybody who is sick will really lose weight and he wasnt an exception. oh and yeah another thing i have been exchanging messages with his younger sister fro the past couple of days and as expected i have finally confirmed the mystery that her number and ‘kyle nashiro’s’ number were similar. but of course the whole kyle nashiro thing wasnt her idea it was his brother’s idea. anyway id get to that topic later.

so i visited, said the typical hi and hello, how are you? everything was going well, till i noticed one single thing – the ring wasnt on his finger? if i try to comprehend this im really not in the position to be upset and all because officially we are not something to begin with right? were not official – were not anything and if we really try to take a closer look one would be able to conclude that we’re simply two souls in a body playing safe. i know i shouldnt be upset about the idea but the idontknow why it’s affecting me this much. probably one reason i should look into was when he said he wont remove the ring and he’d wear all the time? could that be it – and here it goes again innocent me believing his words. as i control these emotions im not suppose to be upset – i mean like the ring is a mere symbol of the bond and it’s not like we’re requiring each other to have it around our fingers right? if he wears it then fine if he doesnt then why feel bad?i

i only wish it was as easy as this to divert my attention to NOT feel bad anymore.but no.

now about that whole kyle nashiro thing – actually im not really upset about the whole creating the second identity thing but what upsets me is – the fact he did that only shows one thing, he doesnt trust me. he has second thoughts on the things i say and do. the logic of his actions are pretty clear. okay fine let’s say he did that because he doesnt trust himself – that’s still quite not a reason why? because it still all leads it back to me. what does he think im some player that will allow things to go as deep and a time frame as long as what we have and just simply drop it? when i dont want it anymore. how many times should i explain this to him, and what more should i do to let him understand. it’s getting redundant.

im really suppressing it, like totally. and i guess it’ll be healthy if i don’t get into my human shoes for awhile i just have to give it some time till the suppressing period is through im sure it’ll just last in a couple of days. and he’s still sick so it’s better to let him rest for the mean time. as much as i would like to act normal and happy i can’t it would only bring burning sensations down my throat. being dull is the ONLY way for me to withstand the impact that my suppressing disease brings.

im sorry if i have to do this. guess i was just too carried away by what we have,