i wished we knew better.

so much for friendship – ive been thinking about him for the past few days. my sanity has been playing tricks on me again, and i really can’t do much to stop it. having his words wrapped around my finger, why am i feeling this way? am i bound to something i am not ready like a commitment that shouldnt have come as early as now? what’s the real score anyway? or is it what we have seems to be more of an eternity type wherein no words are required to describe – im really confused and it feels like im losing track of everything.

when i am idle i look at the ring, with the words engraved underneath it ‘ memong her otherhalf‘ then i ponder on, this is what i always wanted – i am this close to his heart, and that only entails that i really have to be twice as careful i cant hurt him. for i know it will kill him if i did. but why does it feel this way, like a bomb that’s just simply waiting for the right time to come and the next thing i know everything we’ve worked for is over. correct, we still have a lot to fix – i have to learn how to juggle both school and work : it’s my third year in college took back subjects twice and i can’t afford to take things the third time around, it’ll be too much, i know im busy but aside from the fact that i am juggling these ironic worlds i still need to pay attention to him, but of course i just can’t leave him all hanging around like that yeah i know he’s stubborn and all but i still need to be there for him in a way i know best and of course in a way he would still feel my presence, it really stings when he goes telling me that he feels alone. though he understands the things that have to be set aside, but either way he is only human he has that feeling of needing others and that alone i understand.

as for him, aside from the fact that he has been working on this whole job thing for the past months, but i guess the fear is still there in him and i guess he hasn’t got over on that part just yet. im really wondering on how i could help him on that – we practice and all but then when the real thing strikes in i think he kinda gets cold feet. but anyways there is still one thing he has to work on – and that’s school it’s really been a while: 2 semesters i guess that he hasnt come back after the fall back he experienced when he was in the previous university. but anyways, that’s a different problem and i know we really have to fix that i mean like he has to go back – and literally go back to the scholastic world.

honestly that’s all im waiting for, i know he is determined but he’s still not that strong for some reasons he is still holding back, but why? rebellion? when will the pain stop. at times i imagine what the future for the both of us will be like as we keep up with everyday living the promise we made. as long the pillars have been placed we will be fine, emotionally speaking i am certain we matter to each other but we still can’t give it all – but that’s okay. time will tell. if it was meant to be then it will happen. as his guardian id keep close guard, making sure he slowly get back on track – guess that’s how much ilovehiim .

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