im holding it back to the very brim.

hes been sick for the past couple of days, and to be honest it’s totally not easy to see him in this condition, but anyway what’s with this note im creating again – it’s been awhile since my so called ‘disease’ triggers me from the inside again. yeah i know ive always been like this and all but as time passes by it gets pretty difficult. if there was only some channel i was aware of to have these things flow out from me smoothly – id take my chances.

well so much for being the guardian huh?

but anyways i went to their place to pay him a visit – at least the thought of doing that will ease me up. so i was there. typically anybody who is sick will really lose weight and he wasnt an exception. oh and yeah another thing i have been exchanging messages with his younger sister fro the past couple of days and as expected i have finally confirmed the mystery that her number and ‘kyle nashiro’s’ number were similar. but of course the whole kyle nashiro thing wasnt her idea it was his brother’s idea. anyway id get to that topic later.

so i visited, said the typical hi and hello, how are you? everything was going well, till i noticed one single thing – the ring wasnt on his finger? if i try to comprehend this im really not in the position to be upset and all because officially we are not something to begin with right? were not official – were not anything and if we really try to take a closer look one would be able to conclude that we’re simply two souls in a body playing safe. i know i shouldnt be upset about the idea but the idontknow why it’s affecting me this much. probably one reason i should look into was when he said he wont remove the ring and he’d wear all the time? could that be it – and here it goes again innocent me believing his words. as i control these emotions im not suppose to be upset – i mean like the ring is a mere symbol of the bond and it’s not like we’re requiring each other to have it around our fingers right? if he wears it then fine if he doesnt then why feel bad?i

i only wish it was as easy as this to divert my attention to NOT feel bad anymore.but no.

now about that whole kyle nashiro thing – actually im not really upset about the whole creating the second identity thing but what upsets me is – the fact he did that only shows one thing, he doesnt trust me. he has second thoughts on the things i say and do. the logic of his actions are pretty clear. okay fine let’s say he did that because he doesnt trust himself – that’s still quite not a reason why? because it still all leads it back to me. what does he think im some player that will allow things to go as deep and a time frame as long as what we have and just simply drop it? when i dont want it anymore. how many times should i explain this to him, and what more should i do to let him understand. it’s getting redundant.

im really suppressing it, like totally. and i guess it’ll be healthy if i don’t get into my human shoes for awhile i just have to give it some time till the suppressing period is through im sure it’ll just last in a couple of days. and he’s still sick so it’s better to let him rest for the mean time. as much as i would like to act normal and happy i can’t it would only bring burning sensations down my throat. being dull is the ONLY way for me to withstand the impact that my suppressing disease brings.

im sorry if i have to do this. guess i was just too carried away by what we have,


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