what happened to us?

11.09.10

2.37am

via MS.word

 

I just sent him a text message, but it was basically for the job thing – does that count? I mean like even if were this not okay it doesn’t necessarily I don’t  care, I still care I just have to show it in a way he least expects and as expected he didn’t return my message – could he be asleep? He didn’t go online tonight (which is odd) maybe he sure has been truly busy with his whole skating career.

 

I just went through the whole enrollment earlier and as expected – I have to take most of the subjects in short > full load. The moment memong finds about it hed be nagging but I guess I rather hear that then have him say nothing at all. We merely keep up with each other’s lives through facebook. The things he post on his wall im sure that at times it’s his way of communicating I know him and I know how he is – hes the type wherein he wants the whole idk – what I know is hes different that’s all. People have been seeing and have been asking that’s hes been totally submerged to his whole skateboard thing and theres nothing much that I can do but agree at times theyd throw little teases but I don’t  really mind, I just go ahead and ride with it my jokes are half meant. When I jokingly tell them I miss him – though they may take it as a joke but deep inside I mean it.

 

It’s almost Christmas, the twinkling lights at night are mere proof and I cant help but reminisce how things were last Christmas wherein we celebrated it together – man im missing him as I type these words in. it’s been a month or so but we haven’t said anything directly to each other. And I don’t know how much  more I can handle, ive been really trying to smile all I want but it still leads all back to him –  call this love huh>? I guess I have much within me. If by December if he still wont say anything to me im taking it a step higher and im raising the white flag. Ive been thinking that pride wont take any of us anywhere and wed just keep on avoiding and avoiding this fact and plus the fact every time I  try to avoid it – it hurts me twice as much.

 

Hate me and all but I miss you too. I miss you so much. Yet im afraid as frail as you are anger has blinded you for something that hasn’t to be given much attention. Im sorry for hurting you in any way when I clearly promised you that I wont – im sorry if I had to break down and all you weren’t ready for that but you must understand that I tend to be more of myself when I have you around – but that’s done. There isn’t a day that passes wherein I wished wed be okay. A I greet the day I still build my  dreams with you in it – I wish I could send you a text or two whenever something good happens to me, ohw how I wish I could call you when I cant talk to anyone  – how I wished I could have you ease me up when im not okay but how is this possible when were not even  talking. I admit that I cant let you go because I don’t know how.and in the same manner im not really sure if time can even be a good teacher. Blinded? Not really. But I guess you just have that factor that has caused me to be more human – more than I should be.

 

And I cant get over it.

Let’s be okay, im tired of pretending  – im tired of waking up and greeting the sun pretending things are okay and are in place knowing deep inside that theyre not. If you still care – please give it up and turn in.

 

Remembering how we were still paints a smile on my face, what about you? Seeing our old friends and as I they talk about those memories sends chills down my spine. How beautiful it would be if we could have those back. Despite the distance I never stopped loving you nor caring I just had to lay low – that was what you wanted – that’s how much I can handle you.

 

 

Missing you more each day I can’t turn to anyone – blasting out messages ease me up but these are not enough to calm me down. I fool around with other guys laugh and play jokes but im still wishing I was doing all those things with you.

 

 

The bond still binds me to you, forever still rings inside my head – your heart still keeps me from letting go.

 

 

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One Response to “what happened to us?”

  1. i wonder when would he be able to read these posts..

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