like my heart matters

screaming I love you so!

It’s been days yet I cant still seem to get over it. If love were the question stupid as it may sound yes would be the answer. Yes I still love him and to be honest till now I am still lost inside his heart.

I wont say that I hate him – yeah actually ive deleted him off facebook but that doesn’t really mean I hate him I just had to do something to make him understand something and that part is he should learn to appreciate people while they are still there. Yeah probably I got tired of loving him in a sense that it was all me, despite the things I had to do despite all the priorities I had to keep track of I still tried my best to spare time for him, I was trying my best to be patient and not to complain aside from the fact that all that he had in mind was skateboarding – in a way I was looking for appreciation? If that’s the right word to call it, I was wanting to hear the words like : thanks for being there despite everything ive done and though I haven’t paid much attention and spared time for you, im always here, you cant tell me anything, whenever youre with me you can be just yourself no need to be at your best. You get my point/ it was those words I wanted to hear but I wasn’t able to hear those from him and that alone saddens me. He says we were always worth it but he didn’t make me feel that.

I know I did promise him id always be strong for him and id always be around but as frail as it may sound – im still a girl and I still seek for comfort I still need to hear words that will reassure me that no matter what happens hed always be there. He was my otherhalf – having him around me made me so human and I know he knows that, my dreams were built with him around him – around us. That’s why I guess after what happened to us that very minute we fell apart it totally broke me down and crushed my world. Im still lucky though because I still have family around and my friends around to tell me that what I did was right that I have to learn in a way to save love for myself that I should learn not to give it all. Guess I missed that part – what me and memong had was promising and it was sweet and it felt like forever we had plans and I was certain that those plans will come to life one day. When we met his eyes said it all and from then I knew I loved him before the night we met. He stopped smoking and for that I loved him even more, he made me feel that he was there even he know it was quite difficult at times and though he was aware that there were situations that caused him to get carried away by his feelings he tried to manage it and from then on I swore id love him everyday but regretfully we weren’t strong enough to withstand time and distance guess we still had lot of things to learn and to understand – grow up as what the elders would tell us. Yeah I wont deny the fact that im still open for the fact that he might come back if ever he does I hope hed be better or if he doesn’t come back anymore I hope he has learned a lot from us and hopefully hed love the next girl the way I did.

A lot of things remind me of him, I guess that’s how it truly goes when you love one person and you lose them. ive never cried this much for a person oh yeah except for my dad but I thought hed be the only one but he came along. It’s difficult to let him go but I must try –right? The ring is still with me – but I no longer wear it, to avoid people from asking and you must understand that explaining your self to others have been quite a difficult task compared to just merely shutting up. So that’s what im doing.

For the past few days ive been trying to get back to how I was before and I guess hes doing the same – living our very own lives separately. Ive been mingling with our people giving them time if that’s what you call it – yeah they’ve been asking if I wanted to give the friendship a step higher but im really like not now. So that’s that I continue to be friends with them and all but not totally the serious one – I mean yeah I may sound ride and all but im just hanging around for a while. The wounds are still fresh and bleeding who knows when it’ll stop but im hoping it’ll stop soon. My heart is black and I wont deny that idea so not unless someone else comes along who can turn this black heart to red that maybe I could reconsider.

There’s a guy and I wont deny I like him – he spices me up for some reasons. He goes by the name janrio we’ve been classmates once – but I never thought id feel that way, id feel this way it’s weird. He teases me for some reasons (good girl’s gone bad) I know I shouldn’t really fall for that but I kinda did a counter of all the teasing part. I know it’s crazy. But it felt good – being bad for awhile and releasing all the inhibitions I had made me relieved. But he has as girlfriend it’s me who should do the poisoning not him. I leave them thirsty that’s the whole point it shouldn’t be the other way around. But hes a very sweet guy – I envy him and his girl so much they look so good together so in love. Then I stop and think I used to be that way.

In silence I mourn for the loss- its useless to explain the grieves of the hear for no one would ever comprehend.

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